I'm not alone.....

I haven't updated my blog lately because I haven't known what to say, or maybe I haven't known how to say exactly what is one my mind. Instead I have been reading another blog called "Sometimes Strong" written by a fellow army wife who talks about the up's and down's of her husbands deployment. She is amazing with her words. It is like she crawls into my head and writes exactly what I am thinking. It is weird how well she can explain things. I have learned since she started this blog that I am not alone... I never was, and I never will be.

I have gotten to know this army wife over the last few months since our husbands deployed together. I feel that her and I can relate. We are one of the few wives who have small children at home while our husbands are gone. There are so many days when I feel like I have lost it... gone off the deep end.... over-reacted for no reason, etc. Then I read her blogs and I realize that she has days just like me, probably not as often though. Not only is she an amazing writer, she is an amazing mother.

In the profile of her blog is reads:

"I'm told that my daughter's ability to cope with this deployment mostly depends on me. If I'm doing well, then she'll be fine but if I'm struggling, then she'll have a hard time." '

The first time I read that I realized why Aiden has responded to this deployment the way he has. He has watched me struggle through the first few weeks without daddy. He has watched me cry, he has listened to me yell and scream until I am blue in the face. When I struggle, my kids struggle and until I read that, I never understood why.


Gary was home in March before he went to Iraq. When he left, he put some dirty clothes in the hamper. The first night without him I took his t-shirt out of the hamper and laid it out on my pillow. I spent that night inhaling his smell, and crying until I fell asleep. I did this for a few nights. I started to feel like I was going psycho or something. Every time I got lonely I would pull out this t-shirt. I noticed that the smell was starting to go away. I was getting so mad. It was like I was saying good-bye to him all over again. I was a mess. Then one day I sat thinking to myself, "What are you doing?" "Why are you holding on to this t-shirt?" I thought if anyone found out what I was doing they would check me into Generose for being so nuts. Then a few months later I read a post on this army wifes page about how she was de-cluttering her house. She points out that she was making so much progress but there were a few things she couldn't bring herself to do. One of those things was washing her husbands t-shirts that he left at home on his leave in March. She didn't sleep with them like I did, or at least she doesn't say she did. :o) I was so happy when I read this post because again I could relate with someone. I wasn't nuts. Someone else was going through the same emotions I was. We were coping the same way.

This is just one of the few posts that she has written that I can relate too. She has also wrote about the meaning of the flag. Many of us look at it as just a flag... we take it for granted. I know I always have... at least until I married a military man and realized the true meaning of that flag. I always thought I was such a nerd when I would have to fight back tears during a parade when I see the Veterans walk by holding the flag. When I watch everyone stand for them..... I see many talking and ignoring it, and I see many watching the flag until they can't see it anymore. Anyone who has sent a mother/father, son/daughter, husband/wife to war understands what that flag means. This army wife gets choked up just like me... I'm not a nerd!! :o)

Lately since I have returned to work I have felt so overwhelmed doing everything alone. Getting up at 5:30 to get myself ready. Getting the baby fed and ready, getting Aiden ready, getting bags packed and out the door by 7:05 so I can make it to work by 8:00. Coming home at 5:00 with two tired and hungry kids, a messy house, and an over-grown lawn leaves me feeling stressed. I complained this week on facebook saying that I don't know how single mothers do it, or how other army wives/mothers do it. It is so hard to do it alone. Then I read another post on this army wifes page and she asked the same question; "How do we do it?" Only, she had an answer and she was right. "We don't know how we do it, we just do it!"

The last 4 months to me have been a blur. I don't know how I went through the last month of my pregnancy alone. I don't know how I delivered a beautiful baby girl without my husband by my side. I don't know how I got up every 2 hours with Hailey during our first days home, and I don't know how I took care of two kids with little or no sleep. I really don't know how I did it, or how I still continue to do it... I just do I guess. I am a very dependent person... I rely on Gary for many things. To fix things, to cook, to cuddle, to help with the kids, to hug and kiss me, and to take care of me. I hate being alone but this deployment has brought Gary and I so much closer together. It has taught me that I need Gary in my life. That he is not only my husband by my best friend. I think that when he comes home for good a lot will be different... emotionally. We have a whole new respect for each other.

I could have never done this alone.... and I never was alone. Thanks to my "fellow army wife" for helping me remember that we are all in this together and no one is ever alone!!