One of those days......

Before I start writing this post I want to tell you that I AM NOT GOING THROUGH POST-PARTUM DEPRESSION!! I just have a day a couple times a month when I think of Gary and I get sad. Today was one of those days.

I went shopping at Walmart to get a few things and to pick up some groceries. A few days ago I was talking to Gary and he told me he needed some deodorant so I picked that up for him as well. He told me to get him 4-5 sticks. Seems like a lot to me, but when you are sitting in 120 degree heat everyday in long sleeves and pants, I bet deodorant comes in handy!! :o) Anyways.... I walked over to the deodorant aisle and I took down 4 sticks. I put them in the cart and when I got to the last stick I decided to take the cap off to smell it. I don't know why..... wait, yes I do. I had to smell it because for the first time in 4 years I forgot what my husband smells like. When I got that smell in my nose a million things came flooding back to me. I remember Gary hugging me and smelling that. I remember Gary snuggling with me and smelling that. It was bittersweet! I never thought I would forget these things about my husband. I wish I could have put his touch, his kiss, his smell, and his laugh in a jar and anytime I needed a reminder I could just pull it out. Not the case though. Now I struggle to remember these things, and I feel like a horrible wife for forgetting them.

I think back to the day at Fort McCoy. The last time I was going to see my husband in person for a year. I wonder why I didn't hold him all day long, why I didn't kiss him all day long, why I didn't just stare at him all day long. I guess probably cause that might make me a little "psycho" huh!! :o) I just remember sitting in the car and he said "I think I am going to go now". At that moment my heart sank, and my stomach started doing flip flops. I have been dreading this day or 6 months.... is it really here!?! So, I got out of the car to give him a hug. I remember hugging for what seemed like a hour (when really it was maybe 5 or 10 minutes). I remember not wanting to let go. Afraid I would forget how it felt to have his arms around me. I remember pressing my face into his shoulder/neck afraid I might forget his smell. I tried to inhale all of him, thinking it would be enough to get me through the next year..... not the case. I forgot. How could I forget. Why do these things leave our memory over time?!? I would pay any amount of money, or give up anything in this world just to have that 5 or 10 minutes back. I would do anything to watch him walk through the front door, to have him in our bed, to see him sleeping on the couch. ANYTHING.... I just want him back home. It isn't fair that he has to be away. It isn't fair that he can't hold his daughter, or even see her other than in pictures or on web cam. Why, why, why? I find myself asking this question all the time. I see Aiden struggle for my attention and he shouldn't have to. I keep thinking how much easier it would be with Gary here. Then there would be someone to put him to bed at night, and someone to feed Hailey. He isn't here though so I try to do both, and I always fail at putting him to bed. It is tearing me apart. When he lays down at night he always yells "Mommy, are you coming to lay down with me?" I respond with "yes bud, I will be right there." I never make it.... he is already asleep when I get there. That is good because he is finally going to bed on his own, but it is sad too because I let him down. He went to bed waiting for me, and I never came. I never want to see my children go to bed sad, and lately that is how Aiden has felt. It just seems like there isn't enough hours in the day anymore.

I look at our daughter and I see Gary. She has so many of his characteristics and it tears me up inside knowing that she can't feel his touch. I can only pray that when she hears his voice on the web cam, that will be enough for her. I wouldn't wish a deployment on anyone, not even my worst enemy. I look at some of the women who have gone through this 2 or 3 times and I wonder how. I am only a month into this and I feel like I am losing it. I am such a dependent person that it is hard for me to have to be independent. I have 2 little people who need me to be strong, and I do the best I can, but once in awhile I just have "one of those days" and from what I hear from some other wives, I am not alone so I don't feel so bad.

I just want all of this to be over.....

Welcome to the world Hailey Grace!

Well, she finally made it!! On May 18th, 2009 at 10:17 a.m. Hailey Grace Arens entered the world, and she came FAST!!!!

I was set to arrive at the hospital on May 18th at 8:00 am to be induced. I was already 5cm dilated, but she was not coming so they thought they would speed things along. The doctor came into my room that morning at 8:50 am to break my water and at about 8:51 my contractions started and they started strong!!!! Keep in mind that when I arrived that morning, before even getting changed into my gown I told the nurse I wanted an epidural, and I didn't want to feel anything. She told the doctor that, many times, but apparently he didn't hear her. At 9:45 am, after many hard contractions and a lot of pain, my true love showed up.... the anesthesiologist. I know I was probably a little pushy and rude to this man but I think he understood. Not only was I a woman in labor, but little did everyone know that my baby was ready.... very ready to come out. As he was putting my epidural in I felt the sudden urge to push but everyone kept telling me "don't push," "breath through it." Lets just say that was much easier said than done. The anesthesiologist laid me down fast, and the nurse checked me to find out that my baby's head was crowning and I needed to start pushing. Not only that but the baby's heart rate had dropped from 120 to the 60's and 70's. Everyone was getting a little concerned so they got the doctor in there fast, and we started pushing. At 10:17, Hailey Grace entered the world... quietly!! Yes, I said quietly. It was a little weird. I kept asking if she was ok, and she was.... I guess she just didn't feel the need to scream!! :o)

The rest is just history..... a few days in the hospital and we're home. I am feeling great.... better than ever!! Aiden is adjusting well, or as well as he can. He loves his sister. He is constantly trying to share his toys, and even his very own blanket. It is pretty cute. There have been a few times though that the jealousy comes out. He doesn't do anything to her (thank god) but he gets very clingy with me. I feel so bad for him... I am still learning how to divide my attention to two children who need me more than ever. Its times like these I wish Gary was here. I think a lot of couples who have multiple children take the naps, baths, and eating for granted. I have wanted to soak in a warm bath for 2 days but it just isn't in the schedule so I just take my usual shower in the morning. A nap would be wonderful but there is always something I have to do. I don't want to get behind on my laundry, or my dishes so I do that. When I do finally sit down Hailey has to eat or be changed. This goes on throughout the day... then just when I think "I could take a nap now" I have to go get Aiden from daycare. Then there is no rest. I feel bad sticking him in front of the tv for hours (especially when it is nice outside) so we have to play. Luckily my sister has been down twice to help out. She has taken him to the park, out for bike rides, and just plays with him. Thanks Allison!! It has helped so much, but now I get this guilt trip that I should be the one doing all that so he doesn't feel like mommy doesn't love him anymore, and trust me, as bad as that might sound. I am pretty sure the thought has entered his mind in the last few days. On the first night home when it was time to go to bed I laid Aiden down and told him he had to lay there until mommy got done feeding Hailey. That was hard for him. Night time is when we lay together, talk, pray, and snuggle and for one of the first times my child had to put himself to sleep and that breaks my heart!! This is so hard to do alone.... so hard. I have had all the help in the world offered to me, and it isn't that I don't want it, I appreciate, it is just that it will never be the same as having Daddy here.

Oh, speaking of daddy..... I suppose many of you are wondering how daddy found out that the baby came. Well, it was kind of easy actually... easier than I thought it would be. I was sending him e-mails from my blackberry phone throughout the morning to keep him updated on what was going on. Then after she was born she sent lots of pictures. My brave sister Cindy (who doesn't have children and never watched a birth) was brave enough to tape it for me. She did an incredible job so now we are going to send that video to Gary so he can watch the miracle himself!! Since we have been home we have talked to daddy on the phone and computer a few times. However, the internet connection is horrible over there so when we talk in the web cam it is so fuzzy you can't make out a face, and the connection is so bad that when you talk it cuts out the entire time. If I could give him better internet right now, I would. All I want is for my husband to be able to see his child since he can't be here. I didn't think that was too much to ask, but apprently it is. As I always say though, everyday is one day closer to him coming home.

Well... time to feed baby. I will post soon with updates on how I am adjusting to sleepless nights, endless feedings!!! :o)

She'll Be Here Soon

So everyone has heard me complain for the last 9 months about how uncomfortable I am, and how much I can't wait to be done with this pregnancy!! Well, the end is near... very near! I went to my doctors appointment on Friday and as much as I wanted to hear that I had progressed and that baby would be here soon, I wasn't expecting to hear that so I just went in expecting to walk back out and schedule another appointment. That isn't what happened though. The doctor I saw was very cool and thought since I had been dilated to 4cm for almost 2 weeks he would help make this baby come a little faster. Well, turns out I was almost dilated to 5cm. For those of you who might not understand that... most people at 5cm are in active labor. Being that I was that far along the doctor decided it would be best I come up to Rochester for the weekend and stay with family because he thought I would go into labor over the weekend, and if I didn't go into labor on my own this weekend, he set up an appointment for me to be induced on Monday morning. That means she'll be here soon!!! :o)

That being said.... I got a little nervous. Not about labor but because for 9 months I feel like I have been living in a dream. Yes I felt pregnant, and I looked pregnant but nothing ever seemed real. It seems to good to be true. In just a few short days I am going to meet my daughter. It is scary... now I will be responsible for 2 children. WOW... I never thought I would be a mother of 2 children. It has always been just Aiden. I am so worried I am not going to be able to give him the attention he needs or has always had. I have found myself telling him hour after hour this weekend that I love him because I don't want him to forget. I don't want him to think that just because baby is coming that he doesn't matter anymore. Every night before we go to bed I remind him that if he wakes up and mommy isn't there that I had to go to the doctor, but I will be back. He just says, "ok" and goes to sleep. He truly acts like he understands, and I think he does to a certain extent, but with all the running around we have been doing and staying and different peoples houses, I just want to make sure he knows mommy didn't leave him and I will be back.

It is all just so stressful. I keep thinking "God, if only Gary were here." It just seems like it would be so much easier... wait, I know it would be easier. Life alone would be so much easier. I can't wait for the next year to be over so that we can have our family back again. It is going on 6 days since I have heard his voice. I don't think I have ever gone 6 days without hearing his voice. I get so scared I am going to forget the way he sounds, the way he smells, even the way he looks. Those are things we always think we will have, but we often take for granted. I used to get so mad at Gary because he would sit there and stare at me for no reason... (I hate it when people stare at me) Now I think back to those times and I wish I would have just kept my mouth shut and stared back and memorized every part of him. Now all I have is a blurry web cam to see him and pictures and even though I appreciate those things, they will never replace having him here in person!

I suppose I should go now though. The next post will be "Welcome Home Hailey Grace" so stay tuned!! :o)

The Waiting Game.......

I am nine days away from my due date, May 21st and I feel like it is never going to come. I hate playing this waiting game. I had Aiden early (about nine days) so I just figured this one would be early too.... I guess she has a different plan though. She must be stubborn like her mother!! Regardless, I know that everyday I am one day closer to holding my baby girl. I can't wait to see how big she is, how much hair she has, or who she looks like. It is all just so exciting. On the other hand, I am nervous. I never had to plan so much with Aiden. I had Gary here... everything just fell into place. Now this time I don't have him here, and it scares me. Everyday I am thinking about where I will take Aiden, who is going to drive me to the hospital, what if my sister and my mom can't make it to the hospital--am I going to do this alone? How will I notify Gary? Will he find out about his daughter the same day she is born or will it take days for him to find out? I think about the labor/delivery and I wonder how I will ever do this without him here by my side. I took him for granted when we had Aiden, and now that he isn't here I would give anything to bring him back home. I am just thankful for web cam and e-mail. Even though he is 1,000 miles away, it helps make him feel a little closer. I just need to keep reminding myself that this is only temporary and he will be home with us again soon.

It is getting late.... oops, I wasn't watching the time. I need to get Aiden to bed. Hopefully the next time I post I will have pictures of a baby!!!!