I'm not alone.....

I haven't updated my blog lately because I haven't known what to say, or maybe I haven't known how to say exactly what is one my mind. Instead I have been reading another blog called "Sometimes Strong" written by a fellow army wife who talks about the up's and down's of her husbands deployment. She is amazing with her words. It is like she crawls into my head and writes exactly what I am thinking. It is weird how well she can explain things. I have learned since she started this blog that I am not alone... I never was, and I never will be.

I have gotten to know this army wife over the last few months since our husbands deployed together. I feel that her and I can relate. We are one of the few wives who have small children at home while our husbands are gone. There are so many days when I feel like I have lost it... gone off the deep end.... over-reacted for no reason, etc. Then I read her blogs and I realize that she has days just like me, probably not as often though. Not only is she an amazing writer, she is an amazing mother.

In the profile of her blog is reads:

"I'm told that my daughter's ability to cope with this deployment mostly depends on me. If I'm doing well, then she'll be fine but if I'm struggling, then she'll have a hard time." '

The first time I read that I realized why Aiden has responded to this deployment the way he has. He has watched me struggle through the first few weeks without daddy. He has watched me cry, he has listened to me yell and scream until I am blue in the face. When I struggle, my kids struggle and until I read that, I never understood why.


Gary was home in March before he went to Iraq. When he left, he put some dirty clothes in the hamper. The first night without him I took his t-shirt out of the hamper and laid it out on my pillow. I spent that night inhaling his smell, and crying until I fell asleep. I did this for a few nights. I started to feel like I was going psycho or something. Every time I got lonely I would pull out this t-shirt. I noticed that the smell was starting to go away. I was getting so mad. It was like I was saying good-bye to him all over again. I was a mess. Then one day I sat thinking to myself, "What are you doing?" "Why are you holding on to this t-shirt?" I thought if anyone found out what I was doing they would check me into Generose for being so nuts. Then a few months later I read a post on this army wifes page about how she was de-cluttering her house. She points out that she was making so much progress but there were a few things she couldn't bring herself to do. One of those things was washing her husbands t-shirts that he left at home on his leave in March. She didn't sleep with them like I did, or at least she doesn't say she did. :o) I was so happy when I read this post because again I could relate with someone. I wasn't nuts. Someone else was going through the same emotions I was. We were coping the same way.

This is just one of the few posts that she has written that I can relate too. She has also wrote about the meaning of the flag. Many of us look at it as just a flag... we take it for granted. I know I always have... at least until I married a military man and realized the true meaning of that flag. I always thought I was such a nerd when I would have to fight back tears during a parade when I see the Veterans walk by holding the flag. When I watch everyone stand for them..... I see many talking and ignoring it, and I see many watching the flag until they can't see it anymore. Anyone who has sent a mother/father, son/daughter, husband/wife to war understands what that flag means. This army wife gets choked up just like me... I'm not a nerd!! :o)

Lately since I have returned to work I have felt so overwhelmed doing everything alone. Getting up at 5:30 to get myself ready. Getting the baby fed and ready, getting Aiden ready, getting bags packed and out the door by 7:05 so I can make it to work by 8:00. Coming home at 5:00 with two tired and hungry kids, a messy house, and an over-grown lawn leaves me feeling stressed. I complained this week on facebook saying that I don't know how single mothers do it, or how other army wives/mothers do it. It is so hard to do it alone. Then I read another post on this army wifes page and she asked the same question; "How do we do it?" Only, she had an answer and she was right. "We don't know how we do it, we just do it!"

The last 4 months to me have been a blur. I don't know how I went through the last month of my pregnancy alone. I don't know how I delivered a beautiful baby girl without my husband by my side. I don't know how I got up every 2 hours with Hailey during our first days home, and I don't know how I took care of two kids with little or no sleep. I really don't know how I did it, or how I still continue to do it... I just do I guess. I am a very dependent person... I rely on Gary for many things. To fix things, to cook, to cuddle, to help with the kids, to hug and kiss me, and to take care of me. I hate being alone but this deployment has brought Gary and I so much closer together. It has taught me that I need Gary in my life. That he is not only my husband by my best friend. I think that when he comes home for good a lot will be different... emotionally. We have a whole new respect for each other.

I could have never done this alone.... and I never was alone. Thanks to my "fellow army wife" for helping me remember that we are all in this together and no one is ever alone!!

Mommy and Aiden Day at the Zoo!!!

Its been a long time since I have got to spend time with Aiden... alone! Over the last 6 weeks he has had to share mommy, and well he isn't a fan of doing so!! I knew that he needed some one on one time with me. I wanted to make sure that we had a fun-filled day so when the offer came up about going to the Minnesota Zoo, I couldn't turn it down. He was so excited, but the best part was he had no idea what to expect. He had heard of the zoo, but didn't quite understand exactly what the zoo was. I told him there are a lot of animals at the zoo. I think he thought we were going to see cows... like on the farm!! :o)

So Thursday night I picked him up from daycare. I had the car loaded and we were on our way to Rochester to spend the night at Allison and Daron's. We were up at 6:00 a.m. on Friday morning, brought Hailey over to my sister Cindy's house and Aiden and I were headed to the zoo!! Thank god he fell asleep soon after we started driving because I don't know how many times he asked me "Are we at the zoo yet?" haha

He woke up just a few blocks before we pulled into the zoo. When he woke up he saw the big sign that said "Minnesota Zoo" and asked what it said. I told him, "We're here buddy, we're at the zoo!!" The excitement in his face and voice could not be explained. I haven't seen him smile like that in months. So we found our parking spot, but we had to sit in the car because the zoo didn't open until 9:00 a.m. and it was only 8:30. Plus we were meeting 2 other army wives with their kids and neither of them had arrived yet.

Waiting.... not something a 3 year old does well!! Once our friends Kirstin and Lizzie arrived we went in and started our venture through the zoo. Our first stop was the Japanese Snow Monkey's. Aiden figured out quickly, this isn't the farm. I don't think he could believe what he was seeing. I think he thought these animals only existed in books! They were pretty cool looking, unfortunately I didn't take any pictures, sorry! You can Google them if you want... haha! Well, apparently when I walked away Kirstin saw two of them "mating" if you want to call it that. Luckily Lizzie and Aiden didn't see it because I don't think either of us would know how to answer the questions that would follow!! :o) haha... I did notice however that the monkeys have very red butts.... I just thought it was a weird trait about them but as we continued to walk to the next exhibit I read that when they have red butts it means they are in heat!! :o) Let me tell ya, there had to have been 30 monkeys out there, if not more and they all had some really red butts!! haha

Our next stop was the underwater aquarium. Probably the coolest thing I have ever seen. Aiden and Lizzie especially loved this part. At one point while Aiden was standing in the window looking at the fish there was one huge fish that swam up in front of him and just stared... for minutes. It was pretty funny. If you look closely at the picture below you will see the fish!



After the aquarium it gets a little fuzzy. Lets just say the zoo is not the place to be on a holiday weekend. It got so busy you could hardly walk. I think Aiden was even overwhelmed. We continued to keep walking but at some of the places it was hard to see the animals because of all the people. At a few stops, Aiden didn't even want to get out of the stroller!

Regardless, we had a blast. At about 3:00 we were ready to go home! I no more pulled out of the parking lot of the zoo and Aiden was sleeping. I know he will remember the zoo for a long time though because he is still talking about it today.

This weekend it is off to Jellystone to stay with some friends for a mini-vacation before I head back to work. I can't wait!

It's been awhile.... again!

So, its been awhile again since I have written anything. I guess there hasn't been too much going on.

Aiden finished swimming lessons last week. Sadly, he didn't pass. I kind of took it personal right away thinking it was my fault but I then realized that Aiden has been through a lot already this year and I think that the swim lessons were a little overwhelming for him without daddy here. I know he really wanted him to be here. You could see it when he was in the pool with the lifeguards. Usually there were two female lifeguards helping out, but on some days there would be a male lifeguard. On the days that it was both females Aiden would always get out early saying he was done. On the days the male lifeguard was in the pool, he would stay in the entire time. I know he is craving some male attention. The other night we were outside visiting with our neighbors and he crawled up on my neighbor Brad's lap and sat there the entire time we were outside. I have never seen that before.

So, with that being said I figured he would love to do something "boyish" so I asked him if he wanted to go fishing with Uncle Marc. He was excited. Unfortunately he didn't catch anything, but he had fun anyways. His favorite was playing with the worms!!



Hailey is getting so big. I can hardly believe she is already 6 weeks old. She is starting to fill out and can actually wear most of her clothes now. It is kind of fun. I have always wanted a little girl to play dress up with. I can't wait for her to get more hair so I can out little pig tails or barrettes in.

You did WHAT???????

In the last blog I was bragging about how good Aiden has been lately. Well, he took a turn for the worse. On Friday we didn't have daycare so we were just hanging out at home. Aiden wanted to go outside and play on his swing set so I told him he could, but to stay where I could see him. I was in the house talking to my sister on the phone looking out the window when I noticed that Aiden had his pants down. My exact words were "Oh My God" and my sister thought something bad happened. I said, "No, I am pretty sure Aiden just peed in our backyard" which wouldn't surprise me because occasionally he does that after Gary let him pee in the grass one night when we outside somewhere! Thanks Babe!! Anyways, so I went outside and got Aiden and told him that we don't pee in the yard. His exact words to me were "I didn't pee Mom, I pooped." WHAT!!!!!!! My poor backyard neighbors.... oh my god, I am mortified. I hope they didn't see that. They probably think I am raising a dog over here.

So at this very moment I am sort of laughing, and frustrated at the same time. I know this is just an act to try to get my attention. Thank god my sister was on the phone because I probably would have freaked out and yelled at Aiden, but she told me not too because that is what he wants. He wants a reaction, he wants my attention. So, I didn't yell I just politely told him that we don't poop in the yard ever again and if he has to go potty he needs to come in the house. He agreed. Well then later on Aiden went outside again, only this time he was playing in the front yard. I ran inside to get Hailey quick and when I came out I thought I noticed Aiden pulling his pants up but I couldn't tell so I didn't say anything. Then my neighbor across the street told me later that night that while he was mowing his lawn, he saw Aiden peeing in the front yard!! So, I was right... he did have his pants down again, only this time THANK GOD HE DIDN'T POOP!!! Again, I sort of laugh about it but I am so stressed out now. What in the heck am I going to do? I really thought I was doing OK "sharing" my attention with both the kids but apparently I am not.

I should mention that earlier on this day I couldn't find Aiden and guess where I found him? In Hailey's crib. He crawled in, turned on the mobile and was laying down flailing his legs and arms like she does and said "Mommy, pick me up like you pick baby up." I just told him, "You are a big boy, you need to get out of the crib" and I walked away. He got out on his own and I haven't see him do it again so hopefully he got the hint!!

I think I have a problem on my hands. My son's actions are screaming for some mommy time. I am hoping today that we can drop Hailey off at Grandma's and do a little shopping, just us!! I think he will enjoy that.

It's been awhile....

Gosh, it's been awhile since I have posted anything, sorry! I haven't had much to say lately I guess. I don't know if I can say life is boring, because I am definitely not bored but I haven't really had anything to write about. It is the same old stuff, just a different day!

The kids are doing good!! Aiden is finally starting to settle down a bit for me. It was a ROUGH couple of weeks. He wasn't listening, eating, and he had a horrible attitude. There were many days that I could not wait to drop him off at daycare and as much as I hate to say it, I dreaded picking him up. I never thought I would say that about my own child but it he was unbearable to deal with!! I didn't know how to handle him all we would do is scream at each other every night and then one night I realized I need to settle down and I need to do something to teach him that he can't act the way he is. After much thought I sat Aiden down and told him that from now on anytime the he does not listen to me, or he gives me attitude he will lose a toy. He didn't like this, but he figured it out pretty quick. The first night he lost all of his favorite toys.... his trains, his barn, and his farm animals. The thing about losing these toys is that when he lost them they went on top of the refrigerator so he could see them, he just couldn't reach them. The only way he could get his toys back was to earn them back one at a time by having a good day at daycare with no time-outs, or doing something good for me at home. He figured this out quick and I am happy to say we haven't had to put any toys on the fridge for almost a week now!! Woo Hoo!! This makes me very happy!



Hailey is doing wonderful... she is up to about 10 lbs now. I can't believe she is going to be 4 weeks old in 2 days. Where did the time go? I feel like I just brought her home from the hospital a few days ago. Ugh.... I hate to see my baby grow up. I love the newborn stage, I wish I could keep her this age forever (except sleeping at night)!!!! I can't complain though... she gets up about once during the night. It is awesome. I am guessing she will be sleeping through the night by the time I go back to work, or at least I hope so! I also wish I could freeze this time for Gary. I hate that he is missing out on this stage.... it sucks. I can't wait for him to come home and meet her, I just hate that he will have to go back and she will never remember that first time meeting her daddy! I am so ready for all of this to be over, but I think all of you know that!!

Anyways, that is about all that is going on. Nothing too exciting! Hopefully I will have something more interesting to write about soon!!!

One of those days......

Before I start writing this post I want to tell you that I AM NOT GOING THROUGH POST-PARTUM DEPRESSION!! I just have a day a couple times a month when I think of Gary and I get sad. Today was one of those days.

I went shopping at Walmart to get a few things and to pick up some groceries. A few days ago I was talking to Gary and he told me he needed some deodorant so I picked that up for him as well. He told me to get him 4-5 sticks. Seems like a lot to me, but when you are sitting in 120 degree heat everyday in long sleeves and pants, I bet deodorant comes in handy!! :o) Anyways.... I walked over to the deodorant aisle and I took down 4 sticks. I put them in the cart and when I got to the last stick I decided to take the cap off to smell it. I don't know why..... wait, yes I do. I had to smell it because for the first time in 4 years I forgot what my husband smells like. When I got that smell in my nose a million things came flooding back to me. I remember Gary hugging me and smelling that. I remember Gary snuggling with me and smelling that. It was bittersweet! I never thought I would forget these things about my husband. I wish I could have put his touch, his kiss, his smell, and his laugh in a jar and anytime I needed a reminder I could just pull it out. Not the case though. Now I struggle to remember these things, and I feel like a horrible wife for forgetting them.

I think back to the day at Fort McCoy. The last time I was going to see my husband in person for a year. I wonder why I didn't hold him all day long, why I didn't kiss him all day long, why I didn't just stare at him all day long. I guess probably cause that might make me a little "psycho" huh!! :o) I just remember sitting in the car and he said "I think I am going to go now". At that moment my heart sank, and my stomach started doing flip flops. I have been dreading this day or 6 months.... is it really here!?! So, I got out of the car to give him a hug. I remember hugging for what seemed like a hour (when really it was maybe 5 or 10 minutes). I remember not wanting to let go. Afraid I would forget how it felt to have his arms around me. I remember pressing my face into his shoulder/neck afraid I might forget his smell. I tried to inhale all of him, thinking it would be enough to get me through the next year..... not the case. I forgot. How could I forget. Why do these things leave our memory over time?!? I would pay any amount of money, or give up anything in this world just to have that 5 or 10 minutes back. I would do anything to watch him walk through the front door, to have him in our bed, to see him sleeping on the couch. ANYTHING.... I just want him back home. It isn't fair that he has to be away. It isn't fair that he can't hold his daughter, or even see her other than in pictures or on web cam. Why, why, why? I find myself asking this question all the time. I see Aiden struggle for my attention and he shouldn't have to. I keep thinking how much easier it would be with Gary here. Then there would be someone to put him to bed at night, and someone to feed Hailey. He isn't here though so I try to do both, and I always fail at putting him to bed. It is tearing me apart. When he lays down at night he always yells "Mommy, are you coming to lay down with me?" I respond with "yes bud, I will be right there." I never make it.... he is already asleep when I get there. That is good because he is finally going to bed on his own, but it is sad too because I let him down. He went to bed waiting for me, and I never came. I never want to see my children go to bed sad, and lately that is how Aiden has felt. It just seems like there isn't enough hours in the day anymore.

I look at our daughter and I see Gary. She has so many of his characteristics and it tears me up inside knowing that she can't feel his touch. I can only pray that when she hears his voice on the web cam, that will be enough for her. I wouldn't wish a deployment on anyone, not even my worst enemy. I look at some of the women who have gone through this 2 or 3 times and I wonder how. I am only a month into this and I feel like I am losing it. I am such a dependent person that it is hard for me to have to be independent. I have 2 little people who need me to be strong, and I do the best I can, but once in awhile I just have "one of those days" and from what I hear from some other wives, I am not alone so I don't feel so bad.

I just want all of this to be over.....

Welcome to the world Hailey Grace!

Well, she finally made it!! On May 18th, 2009 at 10:17 a.m. Hailey Grace Arens entered the world, and she came FAST!!!!

I was set to arrive at the hospital on May 18th at 8:00 am to be induced. I was already 5cm dilated, but she was not coming so they thought they would speed things along. The doctor came into my room that morning at 8:50 am to break my water and at about 8:51 my contractions started and they started strong!!!! Keep in mind that when I arrived that morning, before even getting changed into my gown I told the nurse I wanted an epidural, and I didn't want to feel anything. She told the doctor that, many times, but apparently he didn't hear her. At 9:45 am, after many hard contractions and a lot of pain, my true love showed up.... the anesthesiologist. I know I was probably a little pushy and rude to this man but I think he understood. Not only was I a woman in labor, but little did everyone know that my baby was ready.... very ready to come out. As he was putting my epidural in I felt the sudden urge to push but everyone kept telling me "don't push," "breath through it." Lets just say that was much easier said than done. The anesthesiologist laid me down fast, and the nurse checked me to find out that my baby's head was crowning and I needed to start pushing. Not only that but the baby's heart rate had dropped from 120 to the 60's and 70's. Everyone was getting a little concerned so they got the doctor in there fast, and we started pushing. At 10:17, Hailey Grace entered the world... quietly!! Yes, I said quietly. It was a little weird. I kept asking if she was ok, and she was.... I guess she just didn't feel the need to scream!! :o)

The rest is just history..... a few days in the hospital and we're home. I am feeling great.... better than ever!! Aiden is adjusting well, or as well as he can. He loves his sister. He is constantly trying to share his toys, and even his very own blanket. It is pretty cute. There have been a few times though that the jealousy comes out. He doesn't do anything to her (thank god) but he gets very clingy with me. I feel so bad for him... I am still learning how to divide my attention to two children who need me more than ever. Its times like these I wish Gary was here. I think a lot of couples who have multiple children take the naps, baths, and eating for granted. I have wanted to soak in a warm bath for 2 days but it just isn't in the schedule so I just take my usual shower in the morning. A nap would be wonderful but there is always something I have to do. I don't want to get behind on my laundry, or my dishes so I do that. When I do finally sit down Hailey has to eat or be changed. This goes on throughout the day... then just when I think "I could take a nap now" I have to go get Aiden from daycare. Then there is no rest. I feel bad sticking him in front of the tv for hours (especially when it is nice outside) so we have to play. Luckily my sister has been down twice to help out. She has taken him to the park, out for bike rides, and just plays with him. Thanks Allison!! It has helped so much, but now I get this guilt trip that I should be the one doing all that so he doesn't feel like mommy doesn't love him anymore, and trust me, as bad as that might sound. I am pretty sure the thought has entered his mind in the last few days. On the first night home when it was time to go to bed I laid Aiden down and told him he had to lay there until mommy got done feeding Hailey. That was hard for him. Night time is when we lay together, talk, pray, and snuggle and for one of the first times my child had to put himself to sleep and that breaks my heart!! This is so hard to do alone.... so hard. I have had all the help in the world offered to me, and it isn't that I don't want it, I appreciate, it is just that it will never be the same as having Daddy here.

Oh, speaking of daddy..... I suppose many of you are wondering how daddy found out that the baby came. Well, it was kind of easy actually... easier than I thought it would be. I was sending him e-mails from my blackberry phone throughout the morning to keep him updated on what was going on. Then after she was born she sent lots of pictures. My brave sister Cindy (who doesn't have children and never watched a birth) was brave enough to tape it for me. She did an incredible job so now we are going to send that video to Gary so he can watch the miracle himself!! Since we have been home we have talked to daddy on the phone and computer a few times. However, the internet connection is horrible over there so when we talk in the web cam it is so fuzzy you can't make out a face, and the connection is so bad that when you talk it cuts out the entire time. If I could give him better internet right now, I would. All I want is for my husband to be able to see his child since he can't be here. I didn't think that was too much to ask, but apprently it is. As I always say though, everyday is one day closer to him coming home.

Well... time to feed baby. I will post soon with updates on how I am adjusting to sleepless nights, endless feedings!!! :o)

She'll Be Here Soon

So everyone has heard me complain for the last 9 months about how uncomfortable I am, and how much I can't wait to be done with this pregnancy!! Well, the end is near... very near! I went to my doctors appointment on Friday and as much as I wanted to hear that I had progressed and that baby would be here soon, I wasn't expecting to hear that so I just went in expecting to walk back out and schedule another appointment. That isn't what happened though. The doctor I saw was very cool and thought since I had been dilated to 4cm for almost 2 weeks he would help make this baby come a little faster. Well, turns out I was almost dilated to 5cm. For those of you who might not understand that... most people at 5cm are in active labor. Being that I was that far along the doctor decided it would be best I come up to Rochester for the weekend and stay with family because he thought I would go into labor over the weekend, and if I didn't go into labor on my own this weekend, he set up an appointment for me to be induced on Monday morning. That means she'll be here soon!!! :o)

That being said.... I got a little nervous. Not about labor but because for 9 months I feel like I have been living in a dream. Yes I felt pregnant, and I looked pregnant but nothing ever seemed real. It seems to good to be true. In just a few short days I am going to meet my daughter. It is scary... now I will be responsible for 2 children. WOW... I never thought I would be a mother of 2 children. It has always been just Aiden. I am so worried I am not going to be able to give him the attention he needs or has always had. I have found myself telling him hour after hour this weekend that I love him because I don't want him to forget. I don't want him to think that just because baby is coming that he doesn't matter anymore. Every night before we go to bed I remind him that if he wakes up and mommy isn't there that I had to go to the doctor, but I will be back. He just says, "ok" and goes to sleep. He truly acts like he understands, and I think he does to a certain extent, but with all the running around we have been doing and staying and different peoples houses, I just want to make sure he knows mommy didn't leave him and I will be back.

It is all just so stressful. I keep thinking "God, if only Gary were here." It just seems like it would be so much easier... wait, I know it would be easier. Life alone would be so much easier. I can't wait for the next year to be over so that we can have our family back again. It is going on 6 days since I have heard his voice. I don't think I have ever gone 6 days without hearing his voice. I get so scared I am going to forget the way he sounds, the way he smells, even the way he looks. Those are things we always think we will have, but we often take for granted. I used to get so mad at Gary because he would sit there and stare at me for no reason... (I hate it when people stare at me) Now I think back to those times and I wish I would have just kept my mouth shut and stared back and memorized every part of him. Now all I have is a blurry web cam to see him and pictures and even though I appreciate those things, they will never replace having him here in person!

I suppose I should go now though. The next post will be "Welcome Home Hailey Grace" so stay tuned!! :o)

The Waiting Game.......

I am nine days away from my due date, May 21st and I feel like it is never going to come. I hate playing this waiting game. I had Aiden early (about nine days) so I just figured this one would be early too.... I guess she has a different plan though. She must be stubborn like her mother!! Regardless, I know that everyday I am one day closer to holding my baby girl. I can't wait to see how big she is, how much hair she has, or who she looks like. It is all just so exciting. On the other hand, I am nervous. I never had to plan so much with Aiden. I had Gary here... everything just fell into place. Now this time I don't have him here, and it scares me. Everyday I am thinking about where I will take Aiden, who is going to drive me to the hospital, what if my sister and my mom can't make it to the hospital--am I going to do this alone? How will I notify Gary? Will he find out about his daughter the same day she is born or will it take days for him to find out? I think about the labor/delivery and I wonder how I will ever do this without him here by my side. I took him for granted when we had Aiden, and now that he isn't here I would give anything to bring him back home. I am just thankful for web cam and e-mail. Even though he is 1,000 miles away, it helps make him feel a little closer. I just need to keep reminding myself that this is only temporary and he will be home with us again soon.

It is getting late.... oops, I wasn't watching the time. I need to get Aiden to bed. Hopefully the next time I post I will have pictures of a baby!!!!